When I Can't Dream

Hearing it such a sad thing thought and escaped, "He would have been so proud of you."

Do the words still mean the same? Coming from you?

"Following your heart. Becoming who you are."

He said the word "fag," a lot.

Or often enough.

But I know that he'd love me still.

I never wanted anyone to walk me down the aisle. I can only give myself away. And who knows if I will.

But still I have this image of a ghostly white, healthy man-- my father walking me down an aisle. I'm in a ghostly white dress and the silence almost hurts.

But this image is only one that finds me when I can't dream while I sleep.

Dragged from saved files in my brain, computer operated automatic input.

And I know I have support. And I know I don't always take care of myself.

I find fulfillment when I have something in my head that I have to find and press out on to paper or through my keyboard.

But still tears come and it's okay. No need to shake the feeling. It feels right and sad and that's okay.